At the same time I am focused on working as much as possible. This started as a mission to save as much money as possible before le bebe arrives, but I think it has evolved into something else. There is a part of me that is totally freaked out about the fact that my work life is going to change once the baby is born. I love my work! I love the sense of satisfaction I get from my work! My work is a big part of my identity. At the same time (life is so messy, huh?), I am excited about the opportunity to transform my work life. I went through a huge transformation in 2009 when I quit my job and took the plunge into full-time entrepreneurship. Recently I've started to feel like it is time for another change. I feel like my work self is stuck in an unnatural dichotomy - psychologist and yoga teacher. In my mind and in my heart I know that I am not meant to turn on & off these different parts of myself. I know that one flows into the other and I know that I am most inspired by my work when I am combining these two passions. I need to find a way to take a more integrated approach to my work. This really hit home for me when I was at a meeting with fellow women entrepreneurs and someone asked for my card. I handed over my two distinct business cards and the woman noted that even my name was different on the two cards! One said Melinda Scime, Ph.D. and the other said Mindy Scime. (My full name is Melinda, but I've always been Mindy.)
As I've noticed these feelings in myself, I've looked toward some tried and true techniques to help me find my way. (I still get so uncomfortable in this in-between space.) I've recommitted to my Morning Pages. I've guarded my Artist Dates with my life. I've practiced discipline and gone for a swim or to yoga class when I would really rather sleep. I've focused on eating more fruits and vegetables. I'm working on being more gentle with myself, particularly in my thoughts. (Why don't I have this all figured out yet? Don't I realize I am having a baby? I need to get it together!) I'm tapping more deeply into my intuition and trusting it even when it seems kind of nutty.
And in comes BIG: A Fearless Painting Adventure. I'm certainly no painter. I can't even draw. But something in me was screaming to take this class! I decided to sign up before I let my rational brain get in the way. (When am I going to find time to paint? Where will I possibly create these giant paintings? Who do I think I am to sign up for a painting class? Don't I realize I'm having a baby - and soon?)
I just had the opportunity to watch the introductory video for the course and I now know more than ever that I made the right decision! It was like Connie was speaking to me and me alone, like she had snuck a peek inside my soul. She talked about honoring the process (vs. product), something I was just talking about struggling with yesterday. And she said the C word. This word keeps coming up around me everywhere! Commitment. What am I committed to? What do I want my life to look like? I think I've just been letting life happen to me lately. I've forgotten that I create my life. Interestingly I've been having a recurring dream where I'm at work trying to teach yoga or work with a client and there are tons of people there and I have no control. I can't get them to listen to me or to leave (who wants to have a therapy session with people watching!). I thought this might mean I feel out of control at work but now I'm fairly sure it means I have let go of my control at work. Because if I let things just happen it feels pretty safe and easy. I can certainly maintain the status quo (it's actually REALLY good, but I feel like there is something more waiting for me). Whereas if I take some steps toward creating my ideal work life, it is probably going to involve some hard stuff.
A part of me feels liked a spoiled brat for even having these feelings, let alone sharing them with the world (which is probably why I haven't until today). I am so lucky to have fulfilled several of my dreams by opening a yoga studio, starting a private practice as a psychologist, and owning a wellness center. I know that and nearly every day I am truly filled to the brim with gratitude for my life as it is today. But I can't shake this part of me that feels like there is something more I am supposed to be doing with my life. I don't know exactly what it is, but I have a few ideas.
For now I'm working on resting in the in-between area. Sometimes it is easy to get caught up in either/or thinking. (Either I'm happy with my work life or I'm not.) But real life is so much more messy than that! I AM happy in my work life AND I aspire to transform my work life into something more. Just like in yoga where we practice contentment with things as they are while simultaneously working toward our edge so that we can grow.
That is where I'm at today and I'm confident that my BIG Fearless Painting Adventure will help me on my path.